Inspiration (Part 1)

This isn’t a recipe post.

This is a post about inspiration and self doubt.  About fear of failing, and fear of not being good [or strong, or pretty, or talented, or skinny, or happy] enough.  Or just being ENOUGH.

It is a struggle everyday to remind myself that I am, and can be, all of these things.  A struggle to silence that awful voice in my head that tells me I’m not.

Is there anyone in the world that can’t relate to that!?!?

FUCK.

So that is my goal this summer.

The Summer 2012 Goal isn’t “to lose weight”.  It isn’t “to go to more dance classes”, “to read more books”, “to add new songs to my repertoire”.

It’s this:

And this:

But, in my own words, it’s this:

I’m not happy.  THERE.  SAID.  I AM NOT HAPPY.  I let AMT get the better of me.  While it was an experience that I am unbelievably grateful for, where I got to work with (and become friends with) some amazingly wonderful and talented people, I’m tired.  I’m burnt out.  It’s a bad sign when there’s a sense of relief when I get the “sorry, maybe next time” email.

Wearing some fabulous costumes (the sign said it was ok!) and posing in front of the original plane from the Broadway production of The Drowsy Chaperone. Seriously, what an amazing group of people (+Rachael, Chris, and Daniel).  AMT 2012: KLONDIKE!

After some thinking, I realized while some of the burn out is due to so many shows (148 shows, up to 13 shows a week, 2-3 shows a day), most of it is because I am not happy with who I am physically or mentally.  I want to give a fuck again.  I want to be moved by what I’m doing, by something I’m performing, by LIFE.  I want to like what and who I see when I look in the mirror.

Where do I start?

Well, as said by Elle Woods:
“Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands…they just don’t.”

I can’t just say, “this summer, I’m going to run more”.  I need a tangible goal.

Mini Goal #1: To Run a 5K

So I got together my favorite Pinterest motivational pictures, and I made this for my room:

A little more up close:

And I was excited.

And then I got super sick.

HOW IS ONE SUPPOSED TO RUN WHEN THEY CAN’T EVEN CLIMB STAIRS WITHOUT HAVING A COUGHING FIT??

So I decided to focus on food.

Mini Goal #2: To create sustainable healthy eating habits.

1200 calories a day doesn’t work for me.  Cutting out meat/sweets/salt/carbs/anything doesn’t work for me.  But I can start to adjust the way I view food.

I bought and read Bob Harper’s new book, “The Skinny Rules”, and I love it.  What I really want to work on this summer is retraining how my brain sees portions, and this book really got me thinking.  That’s all I’ll say for now, I’ll write up a full review another time, I promise, but seriously…get your hands on this book from your library if you can.

The third mini goal I have this summer is a very personal one, but a really big one.  My professors in school were always getting on me for the way I presented myself at auditions, but I want to take this a step further.

Mini Goal #3: I want to be confident in the way I present myself to the world.

So today I did this:

Before and After

I was tired of long hair (this haircut was about 3 years coming), and while I took care of it in the shampoo/conditioner/brush it sort of sense, I didn’t care enough to keep up on the coloring, or to style it, which meant it was usually pulled back in a pony tail or up in a bun.  BORING, and it always felt like more of a burden than fun.  I want to be comfortable presenting myself professionally and adult-like.

But that’s just a small, and physical, example.

As an artist, I’m behind what’s going on in my field.  It is my JOB to stay up-to-date on what’s happening in the world of Musical Theatre, and to continue working on my craft.  I need to make an effort to go to more dance classes, and to take a couple of voice lessons this summer.

As a 24 year old American, and with the upcoming 2012 elections, I want to be more socially aware.  I want to be more well-rounded intellectually.  I am a full Obama supporter, but especially since I’m still new to Seattle, I don’t know who the local politicians are, and I don’t want to vote blindly, just assume that all Democrats are well-meaning.  I want to be more aware of what *I* can change.  I have a VOICE.

Expect change.  I’m taking control, focusing on internal and external goodwill, and CHOOSING happiness.

I leave you with this gem that I literally watch on a weekly basis.  This kid radiates pure JOY and GOODWILL, and you can’t help but smile and feel inspired.  Seriously.  Kid has some spirit.  And he’s just awesome.

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One thought on “Inspiration (Part 1)

  1. I am ridiculously proud of you for being so brave to put all this out there!!! Let’s pick a 5k to race together this summer! You are amazing, and you look stunning, and I just love you! I hope you know that the Heather I see is absolutely incredible, talented, beautiful, compassionate, caring, funny, and a million other wonderful things. Love you BFFFF!!! Keep it up!

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